My Dad, the Vampire
by Carbon65
Summary: In Theatricality, Figgins forbids Tina from wearing her unique Goth style because of fear of vampirism. How did she come up with her creative solution to the problem?
1. Chapter 1

_A/N 1: I loved the scene at the end of Theatricality where Tina gets her look back, but I wanted to explore where the inspiration came from. This should span the week of Theatricality from Tina's POV._

_A/N 2: I'm not really sure of the time line of this episode, so I've decided to set it over the course of a normal five day school week. Glee practice occurs everyday...  
_

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Glee.**

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"And then they pulled him down and started making effing shreeking noises! Like they think they're effing vampires or something!" Puck laughs as he tells us all about Lauren Zices and the girls from the AV club attacking Jacob Ben Israel.

I have to admit, it's a little ridiculous. I mean, who seriously believes that (1) Robert Pattinson is a vampire, (2) Robert Pattinson is Edward Cullen, or what ever the twilight vampires are called, or even that (3) Twilight Vampires are real (THEY SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT, FOR GOD'S SAKE) and (4) Anyone will notice a bunch of teen girls with falsely pointed eye teeth attacking a kind with a Jewfrow in Lima, Ohio?

I considering pointing this out to someone, but don't have the chance. There is no glee today so my mother expects me down at her law office by three thirty. The public defender's office can't always afford a babysitter, and even though I hate spending time with kids, my mother presses me into babysitting almost every day after school. She calls it community service, and promises that it will look excellent on my application to Smith or Brown. I don't think I want to go to college on the East Coast.

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Monday of the next week, Figgins calls me into his office. I ask Mr. Shue to come with me. I'm generally a good kid. I don't get called into the principal's office. I mean, I'm the one who _receives_ slushies facials, not gives them. Before I joined Glee, I generally tried to keep a low profile. Even now, I would like to fly under the radar, if only that were possible.

Figgins tells me that I'm in trouble. That I'm "Goth." Does he honestly think that I don't know I'm a Goth? I've had colored streaks in my hair pretty much since the first day I walked through the doors of McKinley High. I own more pairs black hand warmers than Artie owns sweater vests. How could you not know that I'm goth?

Figgins describes yesterday's events, only his description does not match Puck. He calls Twilight Fever a dark specter. Figgins seems convinced that vampires are real. I'm not sure how I can respect this man as my principal, if he thinks that vampires are real. When he accuses me of watching Twilight, I down play what my mother has said about Kristin Stewart, and leave out the anti RP rant all together. As a public defender and a staunch feminist, my mother would like girls my age to read things like Sylvia Plath, not Stephanie Meyer.

I don't know what to say when Figgins tells me I have to change my style. Mr. Shue is quick to jump to my rescue. He even admits to the principal that he used to dress like Kurt Cobain. Looking at old photos, I can see it. Mr. Shue would make a badass rocker. Figgins admits that he dressed like Elvis for a while, but insists that it is okay because Elvis was a Christian. I wonder about Figgin's obsession with Christianity. It seems kind of discriminatory. Figgins ends the meeting by threatening me with suspension.

I know I can't tell my parents. My mother will just get up in arms, and go do her storming feminist lawyer thing. She'll march down to the school, and involve the ACLU. She might even sue, and then there will be no money in the budget for Glee. My life would suck worse than it already does without our twice weekly meetings.

My father will frown disapprovingly, and remind me that a suspension will show up on my permanent record and the colleges don't like trouble makers. Then, he'll mutter something about my perfect cousin Paul. Paul is perfect because (1) Paul never once got a B minus in geometry the way I did, nor did he struggle in honors Algebra II. (2) He can play the violin. And the Viola. And the piano. (3) Paul got accepted into Stanford, where he is (4) going on a debate scholarship. Because Paul actually _likes_ public speaking, and won a bid to the Tournament of Champions, this really big debate competition every year. If that's not enough, there is always (5) Paul actually speaks Mandrin. I sort of hate my cousin, Paul.


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN GLEE.**

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Monday, I wear my gym clothes to school. Sitting in Glee, everyone focuses on my style. Kurt complains that my clothes are even worse than normal. Somehow, though, an oversized sweatshirt and my fat jeans are only _slightly_ worse than my normal clothes. I hate most of the suggestions they make. Do I seriously look like a cowgirl? We live in the suburbs of Ohio, for god sake. And, a Happy Meal, no onions? I wonder about Brittany some times.

Before I can get too worried about my problem, Rachel comes in and makes a typically dramatic announcement. Even for Rachel, this is huge. Vocal Adrenaline is doing Gaga. We are doomed. Then, Mr. Shue has a genius idea. Our assignment for the week: Gaga!

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Tuesday, Kurt and I wore our Gaga costumes to school. Mercedes put me a short dress made of all champagne bubbles. She helped me get all my long dark hair into a short, platinum wig, held in little pigtails with clear bobble hair ties as well. I was a little nervous, going through the halls. I worried I might pop one of the clear balls. Still, it felt good. I felt … effervescent, like that special natural spring water my mother's college roommate buys when we go to visit her in Manhattan.

Then, Kurt and I encounter Karofsky in the hall. He pushes Kurt into the lockers. My brave friend tries to stand up to the gorilla. But, it's like a person against a tank. Kurt defends himself, but the threats of being beat up are always there. I wonder about Figgin's zero tolerance policy. How is that Karofsky and his ilk get away with making our lives a living hell, but I can't enjoy my peaceful existence in skull gloves?

At practice, Quinn and I have to sit on stools because of the intensity of our costumes. I cannot believe the false eyelashes the pregnant blond is wearing. I wonder if every time she bats her eyes, a mini hurricane starts off the coast of Florida, because her lashes are just that big.

It's a weird day, and not just because of the costumes. Rachel is late. Rachel Berry is never late. Its part of her whole being a star in training thing. Then, Mercedes announces that Rachel's mom is Ms. Corkrin. Everyone seems shocked, but I'm not so sure. I saw her once, when my dad went over to the Asian Market in Carmel. It's a trip we take together most Saturdays. He examines taro root while I stare the dead, frozen fish in the eyes. It's enough to make anyone want to turn vegetarian. But, dead puffer fish are not the point. The point is that Ms. Corkrin sort of looks like Rachel … or I guess, Rachel looks like Miss Corkrin. They have the same dark hair, the same long noses, the same high cheekbones, and the same full lips. So, maybe I'm not as surprised as everyone else.

Then, Rachel arrives. Her costume is a train wreck. She's wearing a suit made of stuff animals. Seriously. It looks like the Beanie Baby collection she was saving to fund her college education got turned into a badly made dress. Mr. Shue is gentle, but you can tell that even he is creeped out a little by the lamb … or rat, I can't really tell which, that she's using as a barrette. Thankfully, he lets us focus on performing.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Since I discovered the name connection, I've been invisioning Tina's extended family. Ten points to the person who identifies the musical I've inadvertently connected. Since the character does not actually appear beyond mention, I've decided not to call this a Cross over.  
_

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN GLEE! ((Nor do I own the non-Glee character referenced here. I', not actually sure who does...)**

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Wednesday, I help Artie get ready. I'm not sure I've had this much fun since I discovered temporary hair color. Artie and I use the choir room, where I help him with his kiss make up. Even if I'm currently not allowed to be a Goth, its still fun to put white foundation, black eyeliner, and black lipstick all over my boyfriend. Of course, we keep having to re-do both of our lips, as his turn muddy and my become maroon. It's worth using half a tube of lipstick on him, and half a roll of paper towels on me, though.

I'm shocked when I see the final kiss group put together. I saw Artie's makeup, but not the full costumes. Mr. Shue gave them the wigs we used when we did hairography, and somehow they figure out how to dye them black. I can barely recognize anyone. I only know Artie because, (1) I did has makeup and (2) He's the only kid in the school in a wheelchair who plays guitar. As for the other guys? It could be Karofsky, or my cousin Paul, in the stage and I wouldn't recognize them. Well, except for Puck. He kept sticking his tongue out at everything, and I kept picturing him licking things … people… yech.

Walking through the halls after Glee. Kurt and I compare the boy's number to our own. Ours was way better. Unfortunately, Zebio and Karofsky discover us in the hall. Kurt does his best to defend me, but his wig gets turned a nasty shade of purple. I hate high school.

At dinner that night, I wore my Gaga outfit. My mother finally noticed. "Tee, not that change isn't nice, but why aren't you wearing the new gloves your uncle Mark sent you? The one with the little bows?"

I smile, thinking of the package. My uncle Mark, my Mom's older brother, is a cinematographer in New York City. He spent his misguided youth filming the AIDS crisis in alphabet city, and lost some of his best friends. Uncle Mark sends me the best presents, though. He has an amazing sense of style, and knows all the best shops in the village. He found me arm warmers with little cartoon skulls on them. Each skull has a pigtail tied in a pink bow. It's feminine, in an ironic sort of way. I love them.

"Yes," my father agrees. He has never been a fan of my Goth fashion sense either. "I like your old style better." I wait for more. With my father, there is always a butt. "This one stops energy movement." Well… there's energy movement, too. My father is Lima, Ohio's head of sports medicine and rehabilitation. He runs the physical therapy clinic for Lima General. He is also trained in, as cliché as it sounds, Chinese Amma Therapy. My Korean father can explain all the quirks of your meridians and qi, right after he shows you how to ride an exercise bike.

I hesitate, and the story about Figgins pours out. My mother looks distraught, and I foresee a big lawsuit coming on. My father looks perplexed. He has never really understood the whole Goth, vampire thing. If it's not green and leafy, or muscular, he just doesn't pay attention. Watching my parents, I hatch a plan.


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN GLEE. I do, however, enjoy watching it, and I'll be sad during the hiatus.**

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By Thursday, I'm sick of my Gaga outfit. The skull cap I'm wearing under the wig itches, and the blond bob keeps flying in my face. I miss the dark curtain of my own streaked hair. The balls clack every time I walk or move. It makes concentrating in math even harder, which is something I don't need. I wonder if anyone else is having trouble with their outfits. The boys don't wear their skin tight kiss suits and platforms to school, but all of us girls do. Kurt is absent most of the day. I think the boys are more reasonable than we are. I spend English class figuring out how I am going to solve my outfit problems.

I notice that I'm not the only one with problems. Kurt's eyes are red and watery, like he's spent the whole day crying. He confesses that he re-did his and Finn's room, and Finn hated it. He said the F word, and not the one that rhymes with luck. I know how bad Kurt has it for Finn. Kurt's dad defended him, but now Finn is homeless and Kurt is despondent. They're less like brothers, and more like the USSR and USA during World War II. Allies on the verge of their own conflict.

During Glee Puck names his daughter. He apologizes for being an ass, and talks about his dad. Puck doesn't normally talk about his family life. Everyone knows the story, though. His dad was the king of the Lima Losers. Eli Puckerman knocked up Puck's when she was just eighteen. He didn't know how to be a dad. Eli had a series of bands. Puck's mom had a series of jobs to support the band, and the band lifestyle. Puck and his mom, then his sister too, where in and out of the local women and children's center on and off all of my childhood. Mom used to make me play with Puck, only she called him Noah, on the days she did legal advocy at the shelter. Finally, when his sister was two and we were in fourth grade, Puck's dad left for good, but not before he broke his son's wrist. Puck got tougher after the cast came off. He didn't let anyone or anything touch him. I don't think I've ever seen Noah Puckerman show emotion … until now.

His voice is sweet, but raw with emotion as he sings. I watch Puck, and I watch Quinn. She's trying to keep her composure. He's trying to keep his composure, too. Finn takes a verse, and I watch him singing to Kurt. It's a little weird to watch, but its clear what the football player is saying to his possible future step brother. Puck's face is hard when he's not singing. His jaw is clenched. I wonder if he's trying to keep his face from crumpling. Quinn lets her tears flow. Puck is finally acting like a father.

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_A/n: No one is yet noticed the minor cross over reference, of if they have, they haven't commented. Please comment, and let me know you're reading this. THANKS!_


	5. Chapter 5

After Glee, Mercedes, Kurt and I leave together. We invite Artie, but he refuses. He claims he has something to do. I wonder if he's just trying to get out of shopping; Artie hates the mall. But, I see Puck's beat up El camino pulling out of the parking lot with Artie's wheelchair bungee corded to the back, so I know he's doing something. Matt follows in his mom's minivan.

"Figgins is afraid of vampires," I tell Mercedes and Kurt once we are safely in his car. Although car may be a bit of an understatement for Kurt. When it came to his only son, Mr. Hummel had a tendency toward the extravagant.

"What?" Kurt cried.

I smile, a little. "Figgins won't let me wear my normal clothes because he's afraid of vampires."

Mercedes laughs. "He should be afraid of your mom," she says. "Well, and the ACLU."

"Figgins isn't exactly afraid of my mom, not after the brownie fiasco freshman year," I remind her. My mother had been an active member of the PTA until high school, when she'd tried to run for president. Unfortunately, she had decided to campaign with brownies. My mom is always too distracted to cook. The brownies were awful because 1) Mom used salt instead of sugar, 2) bitter chocolate chunks instead of semi sweet chips and 3) solid butter instead of oil. She ran out of the meeting, crying. Figgins isn't afraid of a woman who can't bake brownies and runs out of meetings crying.

"Has he met your dad?" Kurt asks. His dad has promised to sue the school if he saw anything close to discrimination.

I shake my head. My dad leaves school and politicking to my mother. He tends to stick with health food, seasonal exercising, and …

"Isn't Wheels more afraid of your dad than he is of Port-a-potties and skinny jeans?" Cedes asks.

I nod. My sometimes boyfriend and my father have a … rocky relationship. Artie has been working with my dad since the accident.

"Yeah!" Kurt says, "Wheels says your dad is like the King PT." Since Artie swears that PT stands for personal torturer, _and_ my dad sticks needles in people's backs in his free time, he may have a point.

Mercedes has a mischievous glint in her eye. "Why shouldn't Figgins be as afraid of your dad as Wheels is?" She suggest.

"What if my dad was the king of something other than the Lima General gym?" I suggest.

"What if he was the King of the Vampires?" Kurt asks. We launch an action plan.


	6. Chapter 6

The first place we go is the gas station for snacks. My dad is a health food nut. He likes to eat with the seasons, so we have lots of mushrooms in the winter and greens in the summer. My father is also not a believer in 1) wheat, 2)dairy, or 3)refined sugar. Since Mercedes claims she doesn't believe its food unless it comes out of a package, we stock up on the white marshmallow and green gummy frogs and Oreos.

My house is empty when we arrive. Its probably a good thing. If my father were here, he would launch into a lecture about how we're killing ourselves. Kurt runs down the hall to my room, an impressive feat in 10" heels. I'm impressed. I can barely walk in combat boots without tripping over my own feet. Kurt and Mercedes are impressed with my closet. They help me pick the perfect outfit.

We go to the local costume shop. Kurt insists on doing my make up, and proceeds to go crazy. I tell him I'm not sure how much I can afford. My parents have a strict policy about black eyeliner and hair dye, and I've already exceeded my budget for the next three months. We also buy a few props. Kurt smiles, and wipes out a twenty.

I'm a little surprised to see Jesse St. James there, buying red thread. We greet each other warily. Jesse hasn't really been in Glee since the _Run Joey Run_ incident with Rachel.

We return to my house were Kurt and Mercedes help me get ready. Mercedes is so proud of my outfit that she snaps pictures for Facebook. I remind her that she can't post them until after tonight. She tells me that these had better be my profile pic. I stick out my tongue, which is surprisingly hard with fangs in my mouth.

My mouth is dry as Kurt drives us over. I keep repeating my speech over and over again.

Mercedes and Kurt wait in the car while I enter the school. Its creepy, now that everyone is gone. All the teachers have left. There are no more clubs. I pray that Figgins is still in the building. He is. I stand stock still in the hallway, waiting for him to notice me. Then, I make my threats and glide out.

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_A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Reviews are like green gummy frogs for the heart!_


	7. Chapter 7

Friday, everyone else wear their theatricality costumes to Glee club. I wear my normal, Gothic clothes. It feels so good, that I do my lips black. Its hard to keep them that way, though. I do Artie's kiss make up, and so there are little silver shimmers in my black lipstick.

Mr. Shue asks me what happened, and I tell my story. Mercedes gives me an approving look, but Kurt is noticeably absent. He will be pissed. I refused to tell him how things went last night. I wanted to share the story with everyone. They applaud, but its not as good as if Kurt was there.

Suddenly, other people realize that Kurt is missing. Finn, too, although I don't notice him. We hurry out of the choir room, and into the hall. As we walk, Brittany come sup to me. "I thought your dad was a misogynist," she says to me, a little confused. "Is he a vampire, too?"

I look at Brittany. I'm the one who's confused. My dad, a misogynist? She must have him confused with some other Korean physical therapist and practitioner of TCM. My mother is such an uber feminist that she can't stand to watch beer commercials. She gets magazines like Bitch. She would never have married my father if he was a misogynist.

Beside me, Artie is laughing. He has met my mother. "No, he's not a vampire." He tells Brittany, gently.

Brittany sighs with relief. "Good," she says. "Because he really helped me when I pulled my hamstring. He was all gentle. But, I would be scared that he would turn into a bug." Artie and I gave her typical blank looks. Brittany ignored them. She was used to the expressions. "Well, vampires are just big ticks," she explained authoritatively.

We find Finn and Kurt in the hall. Karofsky has Kurt cornered, for wearing his lady Gaga outfit again. Finn is apparently trying to defend him in … A red rubber dress? I know it's the end of the theatricality week, but this seems like a bad idea. I mean, dresses are impractical for fighting, as much as I love to wear them. And, Finn looks ridiculous. Like, if I wore what he was wearing in public, I would _ask_ Paul to tease me later. It was just that bad.

We scare Karofsky away. I think the combination of four members of Kiss, five lady gaga back up dancers and the offspring of the Asian King of the vampires, along with Finn Hudson in a red rubber dress, are enough to protect Kurt from Karofsky for a while.


End file.
